The Secret Pleasures of Menopause

Apparently there are Secret Pleasures of Menopause (who knew) and you can unlock them by coughing up $17.95 for the official book by Dr. Christiane Northrup. Dr. N claims that all it takes to survive ‘the best time of our lives’ is a little attitude adjustment, some great underwear, and a big dose of nitric oxide.

Helpful suggestions to be sure, but after spending a considerable amount of time with other women in their prime, I’ve come up with my own observations on the subject.

  • It is, I’m told, possible to have a hot flash in a pool. You would think this was not physically possible but apparently they have a life force unto themselves that defies logic.
  • Do NOT move to the tropics where its 40°C in the shade and 90% humidity, unless you have your own personal man-servant whose sole purpose in life is to fan your awesomeness.
  • If perimenopause lasts 2 to 10 years, and menopause ‘ends when it ends’ and post menopause is just menopause to the 2nd power instead of the 10th power, why is it that we haven’t all gone quietly insane? Oh right, wine.
  • Wine is not on Dr. N’s list of healthy eating habits, but it should be. It’s made of fruit, has tannins which are good for the heart (if you’re drinking the red stuff, which apparently causes hot flashes, lord preserve me), and leads to Thinking Joyful Thoughts, another helpful hint in Unlocking the Secret Pleasures of Menopause.
  • Remember when you were sharp as a tack 24/7? Could multitask like a demon? Had a steeltrap mind? You don’t remember? Did you remember to pick up the wine?
  • Whoever invents an instant cooling device that you can stick in your bra or underwear (maybe a little uncomfortable) will be laughing all the way to the bank. Those little battery-powered fans are like trying to cool down a nuclear reactor with an ice pack.
  • Forget the tupperware party, jewellery party, retirement party…how about a Menopause Party? My sister, who loves an excuse for a fiesta, suggests lots of bevvies and food that makes you smile (ergo elevating your nitric oxide), and everyone comes armed with a successful ‘Menotip’. I think she’s on to something here.
  • Menopause the Musical – believe it. But before you roll your eyes like I did, check these stats – when it closed, the production ran for 175 weeks with 1,281 performances and had been seen by nearly 250,000 patrons. I guess misery does love company.
  • Embrace the muffin top. I mean, if they’re acceptable to a 16 year old, why can’t they work for a 56 year old? Talk about a double standard. At least we’re worried that we have one, instead of strutting around like it’s the sexiest thing since bra straps. Oh, maybe that’s the point…strutting around like we love our bodies, muffin top be damned.
  • I hate to be the bearer of bad news but there is no Definitive Guide to Menopause. We’re like snowflakes (aaawww)—no two are alike. At least there’s loads of great info on the web, not all relevant or useful, and some downright silly. But it’s slightly more helpful than just bitching over skinny cocktails with your girlfriends.
  • I am lucky. I have a doctor who is very matter of fact, which is comforting, because I have no qualms asking him, “What the fack is going on with my body?”, and he has no problems answering. From what I’ve heard, many male doctors have no problem examining our female parts, they just don’t want to talk about them. My advice? Educate yourself, be pushy and don’t accept that your libido has plummeted along with your self-esteem. Which brings me to my next two points.
  • Foria To top it all off, its vegan and gluten free.
  • The Limon Trust me on this.

2 thoughts on “The Secret Pleasures of Menopause

  1. You are so witty my friend. Is there going to be a part two? I think you could have endless parts!!

    Love and miss you.
    Your very cold friend,
    Terri

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